Sunday, September 26, 2010

Enjoy Pumpkin

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm the Devil

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dating a Vampire

.. Pros:

* Long relationships
* Allowed to stay out late
* Easy weight loss
* Centuries of experience
* Immune to all venereal diseases
* Always has amazing stamina
* Loves neck nibbling
* Rarely interested in arguing religion
* Never comes home with garlic breath
* Don't have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.



Cons:

* Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
* Parents can be hell
* You always feel tired (loss of blood)
* Oral sex can be lethal
* Always has cold feet (and blood)
* Never able to spend the day in bed
* Pet names that give you chills
* Strange friends
* Giggles at funerals
* Hard to win an argument
* No romantic sunsets
* May forget own strength during orgasm

Saturday, September 18, 2010

vampires walk into a bar.

Three vampires walk into a bar.
The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. ?
The first vampire says,
"I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver.
I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,

"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'll be back

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave
him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few
minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
three more times tonight too."

Monday, September 13, 2010

Trick or Treat

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this
plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for
Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes
28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

Baby Dracula

Little Baby Dracula was chasing a man around the house when his mother walked in. The mother scolded, "Junior! How many times have I told you not to play with your food before you eat it!"

Invisible Man is here

The nurse walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor the Invisible Man is here." The doctor replied, "Sorry, I can't see him."

Where do ghosts mail their Halloween greetings?

At the ghost office.